thecrowingtobe | IC Contact

[He stood there, bothered by the changes. He didn't seem to react to scaring Trauma either. His arms were crossed and his expression looked cross.]

You wanted to talk? So talk like a man and knock off the texting bullshit. I don't want to sit here bitching at you through a net device while you sit up here thinking you have every right in the world to be mad. You don't. So get over that.

Now, what do you want to talk about?

[Trauma's eyes narrow, and he glares pointedly from his corner. It's a great place to be, but he's completely backed into a wall, and unlike the invisible wonder, he can't pop in and out at will. Everyone else gets useful shit. ]

I'm wanting to know what the hell your problem is.

[He continues in the vein of being utterly unhelpful by rolling his eyes.]

And don't give me that crap. You're the one who's been avoiding me. So, your suck it up and talk bullshit's...That.

Bullshit.

I'm not avoiding you. And even if I was it's not because you neglected to tell your room mates, the ones who were worried so fucking badly they got deathly ill, that you could, Oh I don't know, possibly res-su-fucking-rrect! No, really, Trauma. When did that not seem like something important to you? Something we might have liked to have known?

[He in inched in closer, talking with his hands] You're so self centered on all this that you wont even talk to me about something important like that? What did you think I was going to think? 'Oh, holy shit. He's a freeeeeak! Seriously? I mean, really, seriously? I talk to my fucking father like I'm insane and can possibly levitate if I tried. I don't know.... logic? It seems to be missing here.

[......um.... rant!]

I didn't think it would happen again, I thought- I was- something else when it happened the first time! I thought it was just-[Trauma gestures awkwardly like he can't figure out how to say it.] I thought it didn't matter, okay?

And- It didn't. It wasn't-....[Trauma just sort of trails off, and breaks eye contact by basically deciding that the floor is a better place to give his attention.]

....Look. I wasn't planning on dying. And I didn't-...

It wasn't something I didn't feel like talking to you guys about. I didn't talk about it. At all. It's not like you're "not special" for not getting the memo.

[He sounds downright vicious by the point he's gotten to the end of that, because no, he did not want to talk about it and fuck you too. He finally looks back up somewhere near the end, which would be an improvement if he wasn't just sort of hostile.]

And yeah. You are. Stop lying to yourself. It's pathetic.

[Oh god, he couldn't be more frustrated.] You still could have said something! It's... you know, important to us. To me. To know you. And it could have helped Jinx a LOT in having a bit of fucking hope. We almost lost her too you realize. [him too but he wasn't going to say that.]

You know yours a fucking jackass sometimes. You self cente--I can't even... [Oh. He can be more frustrated. He was also invading space. But he didn't HIT the guy this time. Nope as he stumbled over words he grabbed him by the shirt front, shoving him back a few more steps into the wood of the wall (not being any too light in the shove however).]

You're so stupid! [He said, both hands balled up in the boys shirt front, a bit of a panicked look crossing Claudio's face mixed with anger and annoyance as he leaned in to do it. He leaned in to kiss the boy roughly, something of a deep need to kiss him no less. He held it, and Terry to the wall a moment longer, before drawing back, taking a breath and then huffing out, looking angry again (maybe worried)]

I wasn't avoiding you because I was mad about that, shit head. I was avoiding you cause... because I think... [he growled] I think I love you and you scared the fuck out of me! You can't just... You... [he took a sharp breath and held it, trying to calm down, only that was when he realized what he did and... shoved his hands into Trauma's chest to push himself off him, away a few steps.]

[With a grumble his hand flew to his head, holding it, looking shocked.] sonofabitch...

[Why yes, he's about to blink out and run. The panicked look on his face said as much.]

[Terry stumbled back into the wall when Claudio let him go, startled and more than a little confused. Well. There is a list of things Trauma was expecting in that moment. A broken nose was pretty high on it, considering the last time they'd gotten into this sort of thing, it had ended with a dent in the floor. In fact, to be honest. He'd prepared for it. .....That, was not what happened, and Trauma stood there blinking while he tried to figure out what had. He opened his mouth to speak before shutting it with a click. He was about to attempt talking again when he actually looked at Claudio. Fuck.]

No. Oh, fuck no. You are not pulling a disappearing act. I will hunt you down and let Jinx at you.

[Still looking far too confused for...really something that isn't that confusing if you think about it, he starts to sort of....piece his brain back together and figure out what the fuck happened. He'd just been kissed. By his best friend. Who apparently thought he was in love with him. .....Okay.]

Back up. Start over.

What?

Edited 2012-06-19 08:50 (UTC)

[Might be a good thing you just spoke up sir, because he was in the middle of that 'ohholyshit what did i just do, need to go' panic modes he tended to get into when he felt like he just royally fucked something up bad.]

[His mouth opened and closed a few times, taking a few more steps back, wanting to drop through the floor and head out, but they had had that conversation before. That he needed to work on that. That it only made things worse in the end.]

[He tried to get his brain back into working order enough to talk. Right, back up. Yes.]

Nothing. Nothing. That was nothing. I didn't say anything. F-forget about it. Ohgod... You don't need to sick Jinx on me. I'm not... going... to go anywhere. I just... that was nothing. Forget about it. S-seriously.

[Trauma gives him a look that basically amounts to 'do you really think I am an idiot, dickwad", before continuing.]

Start. over.

What?

[he isn't glaring yet himself, but hes being a bit louder.]

You heard me! I mean fucking hell, how did you miss that? I'm not avoiding you because you didn't tell us you could... that maybe there was... a chance that you would--I'm avoiding you because of... [he huffed, glancing away, hand on his forehead. Mumble]

Cause I'm an idiot... fuck...

[He stands there for a moment, watching Claudio for any sign of escaping, he stops glaring so much as just looking horribly confused. That reboot still hasn't gone according to plan, okay?]

....I-What happened. You just sort of wake up one day and go-......

[Terry trails off, and shrugs, not really sure what he was going to say and not sure what he was trying to get across in the first place.]

...What?

[This conversation. He didn't want this conversation. He looked frustrated, and he was NOT looking at the guy, at all. Anywhere but.]

Yeah. No... wait, I don't know. I don't know. I just... I guess figured it out one day. Then a few days later you were ... dead. Okay? Sorry. I don't want to... us I mean. Fuck with that. It's just ... [his hands both ran over his forehead as he breathed out "Oh god this was a bad idea..." and pushed his hands through his hair]

Just... please forget I said anything....

....Would you-Just stop acting like I'm going to hit you or something?

[Terry leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms, trying his best to puzzle through things both recent and months back to try and figure out what this all was. People didn't make sense, but shit like this normally didn't come up out of nowhere, and he had thought he knew what was going on with Claudio fairly well up until the last couple minutes. There is no such thing as over thinking. Shut up. Also, could be worse. He could say outloud that stupid vindictive thing in his head about 'not telling people things'.]

Calm down. Okay?

Relax.

[He was calm. He was calm. He was as calm as a fish in a mellow stream... trying to shake off a hook. He would have been much more calm if he could have dropped through the for and got his mind to him. Shit, fuck, shit.]

[With a deep breath and sigh he looked across to the other guy and looked.... miserable. Not in a bad way just... kicked puppy sad for a moment.]

Man, seriously... I'm calm but that was not something you needed to know.

....Then you've got no concept of calm.

[Terry stayed where he was, managing to look fairly calm himself, if only out of an attempt to counter the freaking out. Managing to look it didn't mean 'was' but it was a step in the right direction, and frankly, only so many things could be dealt with at once. That being said-]

So...what. You just-[He stopped himself there, because....He was not sure he really wanted the answer on that one, and he was getting better about not asking things he really did not want to know.]

...

[Being bad at the 'words being useful' thing sucked. And so he dropped eye contact and gave an attempt at a shrug, that included some kind of indecipherable hand wave. About all it managed to get across was that Terry was trying too hard to figure out the world to bother with the fact that no one could figure out what the hell he meant when he did things like that.]

[only his lack of words and his shruggy and calm motions were just making Claudio feel... worse. Like this was the most horrible idea ever. Which he was already sure it was, and he was ready to split again.]

[instead he moved over to the beat up couch that was in the attic and took a seat on the arm, slumping and sighing a bit, head down, eyes a bit wide still (not freaking out but still in shock at himself) and just... -really- wanted to go. He gave a shrug back, trying not to look at the other guy]

I told you... I just... figured it out one day and then... I don't know. It made sense. Dumb, I know. Sorry. Ben... avoiding you cus I don't... don't really have anyone to talk to about it and don't know what to do about it, so yeah, if it weirded you out, sorry, but that was that and I don't even know what to day, so...

[yeah, he's any better with words?]

[Normally this word fail seems to work to their advantage, similar failings and all. And...then there are times like this. ...Not that...there ever have been other times like....Right. Terry watched Claudio drop down onto the couch and after a moment, slid down the wall to sit on the floor.]

Stop...apologizing. That's not-

[Trauma stopped, set his jaw, and tried to think of what the hell he was going with any of this. Honest to fucking god, he had no idea what to do. He was trying to get the world to make some sense, but it kind of hated him, and he was having a little trouble wrapping his head around the fact that the past couple minutes happened because he's really shit at this sort of thing in the first place, mainly due to the fact that youtry having any sort of stable relationship of any kind with the kind of crap he got stuck with, and people are fucking hard even when he could tell what the hell made them tick and holy fucking shit what even was his life.]

Just...Give me a second. ....Okay?

[Overthinking? What overthinking? Thinking is required. There's no such thing as overthinking]

[A DEEP SIGH]

[This would be made SO MUCH EASIER if Trauma didn't tell him to stay put. If he could just blink out and run off. Hide for a bit. Figure out how the hell he let this happen.]

[Over thinking was what he had done for months and months now. The guy just made avoiding him harder by being a jerk is all.]

[great.]

[He slid off the arm of the couch and dropped heavy into the seat, one leg hanging off the arm and over the side, the other falling off the side and resting his foot on the floor. He pressed his hands into his face and thus his head into the seat.]

[He said nothing.]

[There. Have your 'second'. But know that this attitude of his right now is the 'i really feel trapped and i want to run' thing right now]

[Now that Terry had got his second, he wasn't really sure what to do with it. He linked his hands up around the back of his neck and let out air in a rush, because fuck this and everything too. Okay. Okay

So. Facts. Facts were simple. Claudio thought he was in love with him, wasn't planning on saying anything about it, and had been avoiding him because of it. Okay. ~~He really missed Dani for one awful, stupid, moment because she'd have laughed at him and shoved him in the right direction, whatever it was, because that's what she did.~~ Going into this conversation, that...was a better outcome than 'you're an asshole for dying and worrying us and so I'm planning on ignoring you until the end of time because fuck you' which he'd been worried about and...apparently shouldn't have been worrying and-Okay.

Apparently, he wanted Terry to just drop it. ...Which....When he thought about it, Terry really...Just couldn't. There were a lot of good reasons why he should beginning and ending in 'he's my best friend and if we fuck this up I have no idea what to do'. But...now that the idea had been planted in his head, he didn't-

Trauma sighed heavily and knocked his head back against the wall, checking the moment after to make sure that the sudden movement hadn't made the jumpiest mutant on the planted decide to go through the floor.

Satisfied that at leas the minute was going to go on a moment or two longer, Terry went back to thinking.

Unsure where his own thoughts were, Terry tried to rationalize Claudio's. They had been through a fuck of a lot together, and as far as friendships went, it was pretty much the sanest one he'd had since...Terry cringed a bit, and left that thought at 'years' because looking too long at how long he'd been stuck with his powers was just a great way to make a bad situation worse. That, and from the one time he'd gotten access into the crap in Claudio's head, he'd gotten a pretty clear picture on his terror at being alone. Trauma could relate. But thinking over that, mixed with Claudio's recent ~~horrible, he was the guy's best friend, he could call it like he saw it~~ attempts at dating, plus Jinx's shoving her happy co-dependency on the entire island....Right. Course. Trauma looked over at Claudio, looking unsure and kind of hating the universe entirely.]

....Look, I get that I'm around, and not going anywhere....So, if that's what this is can we just- Not?

[such a long stretch of silence. His hands pressed his head back into the couch farther and he wanted nothing more then to take off, but he was respecting the fact that Trauma had HATED it when he did that bullshit. And he knew it wasn't a good habit. But running was always easier for him. Run away from his problems, his responsibility and fears. Always easier then dealing with anything.]

[so clearly he was trying right now.]

[And it felt like a long time to wait. And what he said? There was a hard dry laugh pushed out from under his hands, fingers covering his shame still. That was amusing. That's exactly what he had thought ages ago also.]

[He crossed his arms over his head, so his elbows were pointed up and he was covering his face. Oh god, how to talk. Try not to ramble. Try not to spill it all out there. Try not to--]

[God it was like rainbow vomit, just arching out of his mouth and spilling everywhere against his will...]

It's not like that. I know my flaws, Terry. I know them. I know you know them too so I know where you just went. I get it. I don't like being alone. I don't want to BE alone. You're my best friend. Seems a simple connection. Stupid, huh? Like some kid with a pathetic crush just cus they spend so much time with a person.

[he took a deep breath and kept going]

Don't you fucking think I would have thought it over? I mean, yeah, okay this was stupid and brash and [and his heart was fucking breaking right now okay? God he wanted to go] and... and just...

Look, I know. I'm a mess, but it's not even that. I been trying to... find someone on my own. Find someone for me, even if it's just a bit. Tried to ditch you a bit there. Dates never go well. They're all... air heads. Too into themselves. Too many issues I don't relate to or understand. Want too much that I'm not willing to give. None of them were right. Not that I found a lot of people who cared to put up with me, kay?

[pushing on his face again he growls a bit, a huff] This is going to sound really dumb but each one wasn't the right person. They weren't you. And I figured that out. Kept thinking of things that.... that weren't fitting of a date. Kept thinking about... well, you know what. This is stupid. Just, it's not that. It's not that at all. I got you guys around anyhow, so I'm not alone.

It's just not that. I think I tried those failed dates because I didn't want to think about... you. Alright? Fuck, what is this sap?

I don't wanna fuck up our friendship, which I think I just did, like, fucking smashed it and fractured it or at least changed it to something awkward and that is exactly what I have been trying to avoid and... [he took another breath, cus all this was said FAST, then sighed]

And it's just not like that. Don't think I haven't tried my best not to be that guy. That asshole who ruins everything. And if you're just going to sit there for another silent twenty minutes, I'm going to duck out now and go drown in a bar somewhere, okay?

[Terry sat through the entire rant, and the resigned look he'd picked up an edge of confusion before he just sat there, crossed arms over his knees, looking far too wary of a situation that really didn't merit it. Really, the issue was pretty simple, pulled to the bare bones. Claudio apparently saw something worth having some whole emotional upheaval in him, and though fuck if he knew what it was, that settled in somewhere in Terry's head. ~~It freaked him the fuck out to be honest, because what the hell had he even fucking done to earn that. He couldn't picture it, and god knew he was trying to.~~ At the point where he'd finally processed everything, Terry rolled his eyes in some near failed attempt to act normal.]

You didn't fuck it up. Okay?

It's....['Difficult to try and figure out what the hell made you come to this decision or where the hell I stand, and I kind of expected to get decked in the face about ten minutes ago, and had my plans change drastically and don't know what to do with myself' or "it's kind of hard to figure out things when you keep trying to leave and wont explain why the fuck this popped into your head cause I don't get it." Terry rested his head against his arms.]

[Or, there's just the possibility of saying 'it's not fucked up because now you have me thinking about this and fuck you for making it sound like it might not crash and burn horribly because you might actually mean what you're saying.']

[Or, there was all of the above. Terry pulled his head up to try and actually make something like decent conversation. Eye contact would likely help more.]

......I think forgetting is kind of a lost cause.

[He still really wanted to dash away, but at least Trauma was talking some, and it didn't sound all bad. He ignored the first part, just giving a small nod, though he didn't believe it, cus really... god, he remembered the months of awkward with him and Jinx. And the jealous of Gabe, and how she and he had that one night and barely a week later she was head over in heels for the damn angel.]

[Yeah... waiting for that to happen again, some how. Somewhere. Just to spite him and his life. Difference was he didn't really love jinx like that. THAT... was a 'because we were there' moment for him. This? completely different.]

Yeah... that's what I was afraid of. If I could make you forget.... I would. [funny.... he really COULD make him forget... he just doesn't know that yet. Oh well, shhh]

[He sighed again, glancing over at the boy and seeing him watch back. Claudio sighed, frowning and going a bit weak backed on the couch, leg flopped and stopped fidgeting.]

[That was another thing he hated to admit even to himself... but he was pretty sure he was smitten with the guy even when just... looking at him. He frowned after a moment and glanced up again, hands pressing to his forehead and giving a small growl once more.]

I did think it through. A lot. I think I knew months ago, actually. I just kept denying it.

So...what. You were never going to say anything?

[And here's where Trauma looked kind of offended. And he wasn't even totally sure why. God knew he'd never mention something like this without it being some horrific accident or bad spur of the moment decision. So. No room to talk. But still.]

....You were just going to keep avoiding me and....[Trauma cut off, with a sort of sardonic little smirk because...Well. He wasn't even sure what level of it was irritating him. The fact that he was being kept in the dark ~~yes, the irony was astounding shut the fuck up~~ or the fact that he wasn't quite sure how that part factored into the information he'd been given. And he thought he was dealing fairly well with the pile of it that had been dropped in front of him...Could be dealing better, honestly, but that would require understanding what the hell Claudio wanted out of this, which he didn't know. ]

Right.

I was just going to... try to get my head back in some form of order, maybe? I don't know. [he frowned, sitting up on the couch now, both the heels of his boots were digging into the edge and his elbows on his knees, hiding a bit as he lowered him self in, comfortable, with his hands on his head. Oh god, why was he opening his mouth.]

I wasn't going to avoid you forever. Just until I could talk myself out of you, is all. Which is stupid, I know, but I got no one else to talk to about it so talking myself out of it wasn't going to work either. Talking to Jinx? No way. "Ewww, Diooo. Incest!" [he said it in his best Jinx voice... which isn't that bad] Gabe? Not really. Not taking it to the others either. [Michael would be encouraging, he was sure.]

But the more I tried to talk myself out of it anyhow the more I kept thinking on it and the more it seemed wrong to try. Which--okay, I'm lost on my own conversation. Look what I'm trying to say is this. I went on dates. I sat there finding them boring, and they really werent, but they were. I'd sit there wondering what you were doing, or god, texting you some bullshit comments cus I could. Or being glad a date was over so I could come back to the apartment, be grouchy, and flop down and bitch about it with you.

And yeah, I know that sounds a lot like just, you know, friends stuff, but it's not. I mean, it is but... hhhng. [he pressed his hands harder into his head, as if it would fix his jumbled thoughts.] Just... trust me. It's more then 'you're my best friend' thing going on here.

[Trauma was quiet for a long moment, looking down at the floor over his arms. There was going to hit a point where the overthinking was going to be a problem, but fuck if he was going to worry about that when clearly it wasn't his biggest problem.There was so much crap he needed to figure out, but the twenty questions route was only so helpful.

And, really, Claudio had kind of hit the nail on the head. When your problem actually includes the person you'd go to, to talk about any of this mess, then you clearly needed more friends. ....Fuck. Never saying that one out loud, in case Jinx heard him. Didn't need to know she was right. Encouraging her wasn't a good idea on this one.

He'd covered the 'long story short' version of this, already. It shouldn't be that hard to figure out, but he kept tripping up over the 'Why' aspect. And every time he tripped over the why, he got more irritated because the answer he'd been given wasn't enough to shut up his head, but knowing Claudio, he wasn't going to get better, and he shouldn't expect it or need it. This was something he hadn't known he'd had an hour ago, the fact that he couldn't quantify it shouldn't hurt his head so damn much.

Trauma sighed heavily and put his head down. Some days, he really did not know how to exist in his own head.]

[Oh god, so much silence. He sat there for a moment longer, taking in the sounds of nothing in return, and tried VERY HARD not to read into them as something meaning more then silence.]

[He sat there for as long as he could handle it, then sighed deeply and shoved himself up to his feet, hands rubbing his head as if this gave him a headache.]

You know what? I can't do this. I can't sit here and stat over thinking every little sigh or sound or silence coming from you. I can't sit here and... and ramble off everything in my head and hear nothing back from you. If it's a problem. Let me know. If you don't remotely feel that way. Let me know. If you think I'm a douche bag, for the love of Deedee and Aslin let me know. But for fucks sake, just... let me know something.

Get your over thinking thoughts thought out. Alright? I'm going to.. step out a but and just... just let you process everything, cause that seems to be what you need so.... right, yeah. Going to do that now. Sorry.

[and he went invisible and apparently gone. Sorry]

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[action] I like how you can tell how tired I am as I lose track of tense

[action] i do it all the time. awake or not.

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[Action] Here. Have this novel. It's you 99th problem.

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