[Well. There's that healthy dose of guilt he'd been expecting. Goddamn it. Trauma sighed, and kicked his feet up on the rest of the bench, keeping people from taking the seat at the next stop. They were enough seats that he wasn't a total asshole for doing it, but he really didn't want anyone in his space.]
look. Im really bad at this shit
[Terry paused.]
sorry
[He covered his face with his hood and leaned back against the window, eyes closed and letting the rush of random information run through his brain. This was the kind of thing he knew how to do, as fucked up as it was. He was good at listening and deciphering the crap in other people's heads, the dark, awful shit they'd never want anyone to know. And it was all bad. All the time. Every fucking thing he got. Even the peaceful kinds of bad, like Jinx, were still not great places to exist. And he hated that this thing he could do had seeped into ever part of his life. Hated it. He couldn't even deal with something emotional without going off like some grey blacklight. He'd been getting better, and he knew it. But it still wasn't good enough. Then adding this...stuff. Claudio was a deadspace in his head, so that made the fact that- Fuck.
Trauma knocked his head back against the window.
This situation was hard enough without letting all the power crap and the fact that he already felt like an asshole for how much he honest to god relied on the guy. Constantly. He had approximately two people in the universe who were willing to stick around because they thought he was worth it to them, and the idea that he could screw that up terrified him so badly that he didn't know how to get past the thought at first. Turning that over in his head, he thought about why it scared him. Well, obvious. Claudio was his best friend. Hands down. He loved Jinx, but they were sort of partners in awful powers and.....Yeah. Sister. Best way to put that. Drove him crazy enough.
There was Claudio's stupid ass tendency to be there to get him whenever he'd even remotely needed it, and his stupid fucking need to help when Terry's brain was too fucked up a place to exist in, and the fact that he knew how terrified he was to lose the people here and that it sounded so similar to his own terror it had been all too easy to prey on. Thinking back, he'd been scared of losing Trauma then. And here Terry had been, scaring the shit out of him all fucking day. Don't even need the powers to be a fuck up. Great.
And that was the other thing. He decided...to go anywhere near this idea...and it fucked up...He had nothing and no one to blame but himself. That had always been the case, obviously but-....Terry jolted as the train came to the next stop, and picked up the bag as he stood just inside the door, debating staying on the train until kingdom fucking come to avoid the conversation.
Because he was honestly thinking about what the fuck this could become and-...And he didn't know what to do with that. He was scared. He knew it. Hell, he was a fucking coward, anymore. Rachel used to get so pissed off at him for jumping right into shit. If only she could see him now. Rachel would've also laughed at the fact that he'd jumped past the guy issue straight into the 'best friend issue', but Rachel just liked laughing at him. Thank god she and Jinx never talked. If Jinx got along with girls, they'd have been this horrible collective terror of ways to make his life a horrible place.
And on being scared, that really got to the biggest problem. Because if he didn't give a shit, he'd've just said so. It would've been awkward. They'd have moved on. But the fact that his brain kept jumping back to the fact that he was pretty goddamn sure he'd do almost anything for the guy (and he was having a hard time thinking of things that made it 'almost') and he couldn't- Just...There was no one else that gave that much of a shit about him, not like that. Thor Girl had a crush and everything before that was a lifetime away. He'd never let himself think like that, especially because of...Well, let's just say Claudio and Jinx's crap had been enough to think he needed to never cause that issue and it wasn't like-...
Except it was. And-
Goddamn it. God fucking damn it. This was going to be one of those fucking things where if he didn't do something, he was going to regret it. He hated those. Fuck those. Fuck...all of this. Terry made a sort of agitated noise in the back of his throat before finally taking the step off the fucking train. His brain was almost ridiculously quiet in comparison on his way out to the car. He knocked on the door when he got there, and opened it. Standing there awkwardly once he was actually there, resolve from the train almost completely worn away. So instead of anything useful or dramatic, failure really became the only option. Again. Damn it.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Text/Action]
Date: 2012-06-25 07:51 am (UTC)About that
About being on this train yes
[Well. There's that healthy dose of guilt he'd been expecting. Goddamn it. Trauma sighed, and kicked his feet up on the rest of the bench, keeping people from taking the seat at the next stop. They were enough seats that he wasn't a total asshole for doing it, but he really didn't want anyone in his space.]
look. Im really bad at this shit
[Terry paused.]
sorry
[He covered his face with his hood and leaned back against the window, eyes closed and letting the rush of random information run through his brain. This was the kind of thing he knew how to do, as fucked up as it was. He was good at listening and deciphering the crap in other people's heads, the dark, awful shit they'd never want anyone to know. And it was all bad. All the time. Every fucking thing he got. Even the peaceful kinds of bad, like Jinx, were still not great places to exist. And he hated that this thing he could do had seeped into ever part of his life. Hated it. He couldn't even deal with something emotional without going off like some grey blacklight. He'd been getting better, and he knew it. But it still wasn't good enough. Then adding this...stuff. Claudio was a deadspace in his head, so that made the fact that- Fuck.
Trauma knocked his head back against the window.
This situation was hard enough without letting all the power crap and the fact that he already felt like an asshole for how much he honest to god relied on the guy. Constantly. He had approximately two people in the universe who were willing to
stick around because they thought he was worth it to them, and the idea that he could screw that up terrified him so badly that he didn't know how to get past the thought at first. Turning that over in his head, he thought about why it scared him. Well, obvious. Claudio was his best friend. Hands down. He loved Jinx, but they were sort of partners in awful powers and.....Yeah. Sister. Best way to put that. Drove him crazy enough.
There was Claudio's stupid ass tendency to be there to get him whenever he'd even remotely needed it, and his stupid fucking need to help when Terry's brain was too fucked up a place to exist in, and the fact that he knew how terrified he was to lose the people here and that it sounded so similar to his own terror it had been all too easy to prey on. Thinking back, he'd been scared of losing Trauma then. And here Terry had been, scaring the shit out of him all fucking day. Don't even need the powers to be a fuck up. Great.
And that was the other thing. He decided...to go anywhere near this idea...and it fucked up...He had nothing and no one to blame but himself. That had always been the case, obviously but-....Terry jolted as the train came to the next stop, and picked up the bag as he stood just inside the door, debating staying on the train until kingdom fucking come to avoid the conversation.
Because he was honestly thinking about what the fuck this could become and-...And he didn't know what to do with that. He was scared. He knew it. Hell, he was a fucking coward, anymore. Rachel used to get so pissed off at him for jumping right into shit. If only she could see him now.
Rachel would've also laughed at the fact that he'd jumped past the guy issue straight into the 'best friend issue', but Rachel just liked laughing at him. Thank god she and Jinx never talked. If Jinx got along with girls, they'd have been this horrible collective terror of ways to make his life a horrible place.And on being scared, that really got to the biggest problem. Because if he didn't give a shit, he'd've just said so. It would've been awkward. They'd have moved on. But the fact that his brain kept jumping back to the fact that he was pretty goddamn sure he'd do almost anything for the guy (and he was having a hard time thinking of things that made it 'almost') and he couldn't- Just...There was no one else that gave that much of a shit about him, not like that. Thor Girl had a crush and everything before that was a lifetime away. He'd never let himself think like that, especially because of...Well, let's just say Claudio and Jinx's crap had been enough to think he needed to never cause that issue and it wasn't like-...
Except it was. And-
Goddamn it. God fucking damn it. This was going to be one of those fucking things where if he didn't do something, he was going to regret it. He hated those. Fuck those. Fuck...all of this. Terry made a sort of agitated noise in the back of his throat before finally taking the step off the fucking train. His brain was almost ridiculously quiet in comparison on his way out to the car. He knocked on the door when he got there, and opened it. Standing there awkwardly once he was actually there, resolve from the train almost completely worn away. So instead of anything useful or dramatic, failure really became the only option. Again. Damn it.]
...Hey.