[such a long stretch of silence. His hands pressed his head back into the couch farther and he wanted nothing more then to take off, but he was respecting the fact that Trauma had HATED it when he did that bullshit. And he knew it wasn't a good habit. But running was always easier for him. Run away from his problems, his responsibility and fears. Always easier then dealing with anything.]
[so clearly he was trying right now.]
[And it felt like a long time to wait. And what he said? There was a hard dry laugh pushed out from under his hands, fingers covering his shame still. That was amusing. That's exactly what he had thought ages ago also.]
[He crossed his arms over his head, so his elbows were pointed up and he was covering his face. Oh god, how to talk. Try not to ramble. Try not to spill it all out there. Try not to--]
[God it was like rainbow vomit, just arching out of his mouth and spilling everywhere against his will...]
It's not like that. I know my flaws, Terry. I know them. I know you know them too so I know where you just went. I get it. I don't like being alone. I don't want to BE alone. You're my best friend. Seems a simple connection. Stupid, huh? Like some kid with a pathetic crush just cus they spend so much time with a person.
[he took a deep breath and kept going]
Don't you fucking think I would have thought it over? I mean, yeah, okay this was stupid and brash and [and his heart was fucking breaking right now okay? God he wanted to go] and... and just...
Look, I know. I'm a mess, but it's not even that. I been trying to... find someone on my own. Find someone for me, even if it's just a bit. Tried to ditch you a bit there. Dates never go well. They're all... air heads. Too into themselves. Too many issues I don't relate to or understand. Want too much that I'm not willing to give. None of them were right. Not that I found a lot of people who cared to put up with me, kay?
[pushing on his face again he growls a bit, a huff] This is going to sound really dumb but each one wasn't the right person. They weren't you. And I figured that out. Kept thinking of things that.... that weren't fitting of a date. Kept thinking about... well, you know what. This is stupid. Just, it's not that. It's not that at all. I got you guys around anyhow, so I'm not alone.
It's just not that. I think I tried those failed dates because I didn't want to think about... you. Alright? Fuck, what is this sap?
I don't wanna fuck up our friendship, which I think I just did, like, fucking smashed it and fractured it or at least changed it to something awkward and that is exactly what I have been trying to avoid and... [he took another breath, cus all this was said FAST, then sighed]
And it's just not like that. Don't think I haven't tried my best not to be that guy. That asshole who ruins everything. And if you're just going to sit there for another silent twenty minutes, I'm going to duck out now and go drown in a bar somewhere, okay?
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[Action]
Date: 2012-06-21 06:22 am (UTC)[so clearly he was trying right now.]
[And it felt like a long time to wait. And what he said? There was a hard dry laugh pushed out from under his hands, fingers covering his shame still. That was amusing. That's exactly what he had thought ages ago also.]
[He crossed his arms over his head, so his elbows were pointed up and he was covering his face. Oh god, how to talk. Try not to ramble. Try not to spill it all out there. Try not to--]
[God it was like rainbow vomit, just arching out of his mouth and spilling everywhere against his will...]
It's not like that. I know my flaws, Terry. I know them. I know you know them too so I know where you just went. I get it. I don't like being alone. I don't want to BE alone. You're my best friend. Seems a simple connection. Stupid, huh? Like some kid with a pathetic crush just cus they spend so much time with a person.
[he took a deep breath and kept going]
Don't you fucking think I would have thought it over? I mean, yeah, okay this was stupid and brash and [and his heart was fucking breaking right now okay? God he wanted to go] and... and just...
Look, I know. I'm a mess, but it's not even that. I been trying to... find someone on my own. Find someone for me, even if it's just a bit. Tried to ditch you a bit there. Dates never go well. They're all... air heads. Too into themselves. Too many issues I don't relate to or understand. Want too much that I'm not willing to give. None of them were right. Not that I found a lot of people who cared to put up with me, kay?
[pushing on his face again he growls a bit, a huff] This is going to sound really dumb but each one wasn't the right person. They weren't you. And I figured that out. Kept thinking of things that.... that weren't fitting of a date. Kept thinking about... well, you know what. This is stupid. Just, it's not that. It's not that at all. I got you guys around anyhow, so I'm not alone.
It's just not that. I think I tried those failed dates because I didn't want to think about... you. Alright? Fuck, what is this sap?
I don't wanna fuck up our friendship, which I think I just did, like, fucking smashed it and fractured it or at least changed it to something awkward and that is exactly what I have been trying to avoid and... [he took another breath, cus all this was said FAST, then sighed]
And it's just not like that. Don't think I haven't tried my best not to be that guy. That asshole who ruins everything. And if you're just going to sit there for another silent twenty minutes, I'm going to duck out now and go drown in a bar somewhere, okay?